My son was born in sin and out of wedlock when I was just 19 years old. We fortunately were smart enough not to get married simply because I was knocked up (I know it would have been the “right thing”, but we would have divorced anyway). So my son and I have never had the same last name, which has always bothered me, especially since I’m a teacher and my son goes to the same school. Inevitable every year one of my students asks why we don’t have the same last name which leads to how could you have a kid if you’re not married (I teach 2nd grade in a upper class neighborhood). I’ve actually considered changing my last name to his.
Well 7 years ago my baby’s daddy got married to the Step monster and I didn’t think anything of it until last week. My honey and I both play adult co-ed softball, otherwise known as a good excuse to drink beer and hang with friends. Well step monster plays and for the first time our teams have met up. I started the game by putting my foot in my mouth, but that’s a different post.
When step monster was walking out to the field I noticed the back of her shirt had her first initial and my son’s last name on it. At first I was clueless; I literally thought “why does she have that name on her shirt?” Then it hit me, she has her husband’s last name, which is the same last name as my child, which mean she has my child’s last name. I was livid, I wanted to run out and trip her and rip the shirt off her back. This woman does not deserve to have the same last name as my child! Why does someone who has no love or decency for my son get the one gift I long for?
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She didn't ask to have your son's last name. I have the same surname as our stepkids and it drives the BM nuts. She keeps threatening to change their surname to be the same as hers, which we've told her we're fine with, but she won't pay the £60 to do it.
ReplyDeleteWhy don't you change your sons surname to be the same as yours if it bothers you?
Sharing a last name does not necessarily make stepmom and child any closer. I share the same name as my stepkids too. They couldn't care less. Having a different last name doesn't mean son loves you any less, does it?
ReplyDeleteMy stepson has his mom's last name, and it hurts the BF very badly. She did it on purpose because she knew it was important to the BF and since he wouldn't marry her she made sure the son had her last name. The sad part is someday she will get married and have a different name than her son who will be the only person in their family to have that name. She was 1 of 3 sisters. I think for the child it would be weird not to have your fathers last name like everyone else. I am sure its probably really hard for you but dont think that makes him less of your son.
ReplyDeleteI find it great that you were able to put him first, give him his fathers name when it wasn't an easy thing to do.
Do you think you will ever get married someday? If you did you would have a different last name than your son anyway. Something to consider, I know it isn't easy but you did the right thing.
Stay strong!!! :)
This name stuff is so hard and confusing. As much as we want to say that our bonds are stronger than names and so on, in a society that places so much emphasis on who's connected to whom and lineage etc ad nauseum, it's not that easy. We didn't make up the rules, but we have to try to find our have through them. Whatever feels right for you is the right thing to do - no matter was anyone else says. - G
ReplyDeleteUgh. My husband's ex changed the child's last name when she changed hers. It really hurt everyone involved. She sent a letter (as required by law) to a bogus address hoping we wouldn't get it and The Husband wouldn't show up to court. He went, and didn't contest it because he didn't want to put The Kid through any more stress. Now (4 years later), The Kid is pissed about the name change. He says he can't wait to turn 18 and change his name back. I know it must hurt you, but being the bigger person is really the best thing for your son. Just for perspective.
ReplyDeleteAnd, hope you feel better soon. :)
I find it hard to consider the birth of any child "in sin". He was born, plain and simple, and labeling the relationship at the time shouldn't include labeling his birth.
ReplyDeleteI can understand being upset about the last name. It's easy to say it shouldn't matter, but we associate so much with a person's last name and links to family. How do you feel about changing your last name to your son's last name?
We have a "name issue" in our home. I have 2 girls with the last name of their father, who I was married to for 14 years. My husband's kids have his last name, except for the one he adopted who has his bio-mom (his ex)name. Then we have our child who has his last name. I have my maiden and his name for my last name after I changed it from my married name. We just have so many names we just don't care anymore. When we are together is what matters...
ReplyDeleteJust think of it like this although it bothers you, this is one of the things as woman we have to deal with when there is a child involved that was born out of wedlock. But there are probably many other people in this world with your son's last name too. A name is just that a name, its the impression on your childs heart that means the most.
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ReplyDeleteVery interesting. My husband has custody of his son (my stepson), and because he was born out of wedlock, he has his mom's last name. My stepson wants to change his name to our last name, but his mom just isn't having it. It actually makes my stepson feel uncomfortable not having his father's last name, which is the way it typically goes these days. This is such a touchy subject. My view: Why push all of that petty anger on to your son. Even if you think you aren't, kids just know. It's just a name. As long as he's comfortable, what's the biggy?
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