Not So Wicked Stepmom

She Has the Same Last Name as Him

2009-08-09T21:54:00.000-07:00

My son was born in sin and out of wedlock when I was just 19 years old. We fortunately were smart enough not to get married simply because I was knocked up (I know it would have been the “right thing”, but we would have divorced anyway). So my son and I have never had the same last name, which has always bothered me, especially since I’m a teacher and my son goes to the same school. Inevitable every year one of my students asks why we don’t have the same last name which leads to how could you have a kid if you’re not married (I teach 2nd grade in a upper class neighborhood). I’ve actually considered changing my last name to his.

Well 7 years ago my baby’s daddy got married to the Step monster and I didn’t think anything of it until last week. My honey and I both play adult co-ed softball, otherwise known as a good excuse to drink beer and hang with friends. Well step monster plays and for the first time our teams have met up. I started the game by putting my foot in my mouth, but that’s a different post.

When step monster was walking out to the field I noticed the back of her shirt had her first initial and my son’s last name on it. At first I was clueless; I literally thought “why does she have that name on her shirt?” Then it hit me, she has her husband’s last name, which is the same last name as my child, which mean she has my child’s last name. I was livid, I wanted to run out and trip her and rip the shirt off her back. This woman does not deserve to have the same last name as my child! Why does someone who has no love or decency for my son get the one gift I long for?

Water Skiiing!

2009-08-05T09:35:00.002-07:00

Yesterday I tried water skiing for the first time. I loved it! I won’t say it was easy because I know it’s not but I can say it’s not as hard as I thought. I got up on my 2nd try, which I’ve heard is not completely normal. It takes balance, coordination, and patience, all of which I’m lacking. So for me getting up at all is one of the great mysteries of the world. Like how did the pyramids get built? Or how did my ass defy gravity to slide ungracefully atop water? I am clumsy to say the least and have been known to fall down simply when walking around. So needless to say I felt pretty good about it.

What they don’t tell you…

I got lots of advice on how to ski, but here’s what no one told me. Warning this next passage includes vulgar language and graphic descriptions :)

Wear shorts that fit comfortable. If you’re in a bikini and fall forward your suit will be ripped from your body and everyone on the boat will see your bare ass!

If you fall backwards the force of the water will cause your swimsuit bottoms to cut you in half. I have rope burns in my crack!

When you fall backwards if your suit slides off or over you will get an enima. I have been shitting river water all afternoon!

Something else they don’t tell you is what happens to the skis when you fall. The first time I fell the force of the water ripped them off my feet. I wasn’t expecting this; my first reaction was “now I look like a dumb ass and I lost their skis”, but guess what they float! Now I get to figure out how to put them on while floating. The second time I fell one of the skis had its revenge by bitch slapping me in the back of the head. Yes it was still attached to my foot and no I don’t normally bend that way.

2009-08-05T09:35:00.001-07:00

My House & My Kids

2009-08-02T23:06:00.000-07:00

Thanks to all of you wonderful supportive step moms who took the time to give me such advice and encouragement. We all know that some days the demons catch up. I do have to say that I have been lucky that my honey has given me total control over decorating and landscaping. I have to confess that I felt a small victory as I ripped her favorite rose bush from the ground (I know how childish that sounds, but let me have my moment). I am in the process of redoing the backyard. The sucky part is she has good taste and I do like a lot of what she’s done.

I know that I need to remember to keep things in perspective. It has to be hard on her too, even though she deserves it and brought it all on herself (oops did I say that out loud?). I know when the kids go to see her they talk about me and the things we do. It has to be hard to see another woman raising your kids. If I’m home and she comes to pick up the kids she won’t set foot in the house (she even hurried the kids out one day cause she had to use the restroom and wouldn’t do it here). I know that this is because she’s uncomfortable (she is a very insecure person); I’m the women living in her house…who has taken over the role she walked out on. So on my bad days when I feel like I’m just the fill in I have to remember I’ve cast my own shadow in which she now has to walk in.

Her House & Her Kids

2009-08-01T18:49:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can pretend to forget that fact, yet sometimes it haunts everything. The house that we live in is the one they built together four years ago. The walls are green, yellow, and burgundy because she picked out the colors and painted them herself. The flowers in the flower beds and bushes out front were planted there by her two hands. Every day at least one of kids mentions something about her. The neighbors talk to me about her (luckily it’s always positive towards me).

It will be a long time before we’re financially able to sell this house. It makes me sad to know that we might never have “our” house. I can’t have any more kids. It makes me sad that we will never have “our” family pictures. It seems like we’ll forever be two separate families trying to live in the same house.

Weekend at the Coast

2009-07-28T06:13:00.000-07:00

This weekend we went camping on Super dad’s parent’s property. They have 5 acres of woods with beach front access. Because we are insane we allowed each of the kids to invite a friend for a total of 7 kids (junior’s friend couldn’t make it). It was for the most part a very wonderful weekend in which the kids scavenged along the beach looking for any possible sign of life to pick up and run around dangling screaming, “look what I found”. I often wonder if crabs consider this an out of body experience. “I was heading toward the light, flying through the air, looking down on the world, and then was suddenly thrust back into life”. Do they tell the other crabs they were abducted by aliens and if so are they then seen as crazy and ostracized by the group.

Only one misshape this weekend and that was when Skate kids friend decided to jump over the edge of the 10 foot high porch. Imagine me, sitting back enjoying my frosty beverage when all of a sudden I hear Skate Kid screaming, “mom get up here, Riley’s hurt”. I jump up and start hauling ass; I mean Prefontaine ain’t got nothing on me... I’ve never climbed a hill so fast in my life. There the poor kid is sitting on the bottom step, trying not to cry as Uncle Jo is attempting to stop the flow of blood from his 2 inch long, bone deep gash. Two hours and 18 stitches later I’m back to watching the kid do laps around camp, followed by my constant chanting of, “no running kid I’m not taking you back to the hospital”.

My Irrational Fears

2009-07-17T17:06:00.000-07:00

I fear that he’s only with me because I’m a good influence on the kids, I’m really domestic, and I have big boobs. Not because I’m fun and exciting, smart, a great conversationalist, looks forward to my beautiful smile, could stare into my eyes all night long…

I fear one day he will decide to get back with his ex because she is the mother of his children; even though he often tells me how much happier and better off he and the kids are with me.

I fear he’ll wake up, roll over and realize that I’m not as smart, as good looking or as good as him; that I don’t deserve him and then he’ll leave.

I fear that he secretly doesn’t like my kid; even though he goes out of his way to spend time with him and make him a part of every aspect of our life.

I fear that the skeletons in my closet reflect who I am and not the mistakes I’ve made, because if it is who I am then sometimes I don’t like me.

I fear that I’m not a good enough role model for the kids and wonder what right to I have trying to play the part; even though everyone tells me what positive changes they’ve seen in the kids since I’ve been around.

How Parenting is Like Hostage Negations

2009-07-11T00:13:00.000-07:00

Have you ever asked your kid to clean his room, take out the trash, or stop taunting his sister/brother. I found some advice on hostage negations and realized that these are the exact tactics I use it when dealing with my son, step son and step daughters.

In a life or death situation to free hostages, it's vitally important to remain calm and avoid the use of force. Analyze the hostage taker and make him or her feel understood. Your goal is the safety of the hostages.

1. Evacuate the area within at least a full block of the building the hostages are in. Have a team of officers control foot traffic within the radius. Cover all potential points of entry and exit to the building. This equates to turn off the TV, video games, etc and stop any potential distractions.
2. Gather intelligence on the hostage taker. Find out who the hostage taker is, who his family and friends are and question any witnesses. Learn why the hostages were taken. What caused the fight or discover what leverage you have.
3. Remain composed and communicate in a nonthreatening way. The biggest challenge.
4. Gain the hostage taker's trust. Assure him that you don't want to hurt him. Encourage conversation, repeating back carefully every detail that he mentions. Ask him to continue talking. When he demands something, tell him you have to negotiate with the scene commander. Go ask your father.
5. Ask the hostage taker for a solution. Negotiate for a solution by giving the hostage taker a role in the process. Like I ask my kids, “how can you solve this problem?”.
6. Let the hostage taker know that you can't continue to help him if any hostages get hurt. Remind the kids what will happen if they don’t do as their told.

Things to remember when dealing with a hostage situation:

It is not about you
We know that our subjects sometimes behave in seemingly irrational ways. We know how difficult it is to be truly heard or understood. No matter how difficult we must remember that this negotiation is not about you. It is about the subject and his or her needs. This point may be hard to keep in mind especially when the hostage taker is nasty, insulting or worse. Here here!

Everyone involved is a negotiator
Anyone communicating a message to the other side is a negotiator so virtually everyone on-scene of a crisis is a negotiator. Everyone must be sending the same message. If the negotiators are taking a conciliatory, non-threatening approach, the tactical team must not pose a threat and the public information officer must be taking the same position, especially if the subject has access to television and radio. Few circumstances will prolong an incident more than sending the subject conflicting messages. Basically make sure you and hubby are on the same page and if you have multiple children make sure you give them all the same answer/privilege.

I found this article at: http://www.ehow.com/how_2096270_negotiate-free-hostages.html

The Forgotten Kid

2009-07-05T20:07:00.000-07:00

My son has had me all to himself for 10 years. Superdad is the first man I’ve ever dated with kids. Even with the other men I dated my son still got the first slice of my attention pie. Now things are a lot different. Now he has to share me with 3 demanding kids. Now he shares a room. Now he watches me read the same stories that I read to him as a little guy. Now he watches me cook the same special foods with the girls. Now he watches me be a mother to someone else.
I have to say I’m very impressed with the way he has taken it all in. For the most part he loves having siblings. He has whole heartedly adapted to the big brother role. I’ve seen him defend his oldest stepsister many times. He actually once threatened a boy who kept calling the house to talk to her. I’ve watched him display acts of patience I had no clue he possessed while teaching his youngest stepsister something new. He loves sharing and teaching his skate boarding knowledge with his step brother. He fights and argues with them like a normal brother. It’s amazing what you learn about your kids when you put them in new situations.

Of course there are times when he hates to share. Like when our plans have to be cancelled because biomom is late or can’t pick up the kids. Like when I can’t to take him to the skate park because doing that with 4 kids is not always an easy endeavor and sometimes I just don’t have the strength. Like when he just wants to sit next to me and read a book and next thing you know I’m piled with bodies.

My son has matured faster and much sooner than I would have liked. He’s already starting to get the idea into his head that I’m not as cool as he once thought. He doesn’t think he needs me as much, which hurts because I still need him to be a kid. Because of this I know that I automatically give my affection and attention to the other 3 as they are so thirsty for it. It’s created a funny cycle, by bestowing so much of my time and attention on the other kids has made my kid want more of it for himself. I’ve seen his boyish need for his mother come back.

Step Mother or Monster

2009-06-28T08:49:00.000-07:00

The oldest kid in our blended family is biologically mine. So as I am not the Virgin Mary and it wasn’t Immaculate Conception it is safe to assume he has his own bio dad. It’s even more logical to follow that thought through to wonder does he have his own step mother. The answer is yes, however the unfortunate truth is she is truly a wicked step mother.

They dated for a year before I was allowed to meet her. After they moved in together I flat out refused to let my son go over there until I saw more than the side of her head as she sat in the car. Sorry ladies but I’m not in the habit of allowing my son to spend the night with people I don’t know, why should she be different. Also bio dad doesn’t have the best judgment or track record.

The day I met her was interesting to say the least. She said hi and left the room, she’s never said a word to me since. In the past 6 years I’ve been in the room with her over a dozen times and she’s not once acknowledged my presence. This is actually impressive considering I’m usually the loudest person in the room. I can handle being ignored, but she treats my son the same way. Over the years she has completely isolated bio dad from the world. He has no contact with his family and see’s my son about twice a year (yes we live in the same town).

I have to say from a bio mom’s stand point there is part of me who doesn’t mind her lack of interest in my son's life. When I heard she would be a permanent part of our life I did have some irrational fears. What if she wanted to convince bio dad to try to have my son live with them permanently? What if she’s a better mom? What if my son likes her better? Hey, I said they were irrational fears! Silly me.

So now here I am a step mother of my own. I’ve done some reflecting on how or if having a wicked step mom has impacted the kind of step parent I am. I’d truly say no. It takes a screwed up kind of person to do the things she’s done and I am so much better than that. The sad part is I feel sorry for her; she has missed out on getting to know an amazing kid. For the most part we’ve forgotten that she exists and now that my son is older we jokingly refer to her as the wicked step mom (well he thinks we’re joking ).

Revenge Step Mom Style

2009-06-19T17:57:00.000-07:00

Our situation is different in that the kids live with us full time and biomom only sees them a couple days a week. Well this Friday she decided to have the kids overnight (1st time in months, 2nd time in a year). Because it's summer I'm home with the kids all day and my honey works til 7 so I'm the one doing the big send off.

As it gets later in the day biomom realizes she's going to have to work late, as it gets even later in the day she realizes that she may be too tired to have the kids overnight. I had to take my son to a friend's house about 20 miles away. Before I left, out of courtesy, I had my step son call his mom to see if she knew when she would be there. If it was soon I was gonna wait to take my son. She didn't know when, said she would call, so we left.

20 minutes later I get a call from dad saying she would be at the house in a few minutes. I explained the conversation with her to him and said I'm be home in half an hour. When I get there she's upset that she had to wait and even more upset that the kids weren't even packed yet.

Did I get upset? No. Did my head spin around backwards as a slew of obscenities came flying out of my mouth? No. I did the only thing a good step mother would do...I got my silent revenge. I helped her pack all of the clothes for the kids and sweetly asked if they had toothbrushes. I was then was nice enough to give her toothbrushes, insisting that she could keep them at her house cause we had plenty here. I made sure she saw me give each of my step children a hug good bye. Oh and did I mention that the kids all took naps in the car so they would be wide awake all evening.

Losing Control

2009-06-19T12:32:00.000-07:00

“I’m not gonna and you can’t make me!”. I only remember hearings this come out of my son’s mouth once in his lifetime. It was when I suggested he start taking better care of his long hair or I would cut it. My son’s shaved head was the only response he got for his comment. Yet here I am hearing these same words uttered almost daily from my step son. Don’t get me wrong as a teacher it is something I have heard before and am prepared to deal with in my classroom environment. I know what I can/can’t make a student do. But with Junior I’m not really sure how his dad would feel about me throttling the kid. I’m not sure when my control will run out. These are the times I want to be the wicked step mom.

I'm Outnumbered

2009-06-19T10:38:00.000-07:00

Somehow my 1 son and 3 step kids have all managed to have a friend spend the night. I just realized that I'm alone in a house with 8 kids. I'm outnumbered and if they decide to revolt there is nothing I can do to stop them. So I'm hiding the duct tape and constantly looking over my shoulder. If no one hears from me for a couple days please send someone to get me out of the closet and untie me.

The Most Important Things I've Learned About Step Parenting

2009-06-19T09:23:00.000-07:00

Your step kids won't appreciate all your efforts until they are grown and out on their own. No kid appreciates what their parents have done until their grown and sometimes not even then. The reason we accept it from our biological kids is because we KNOW they love us, where as with step kids we don't have that automatic bond.

Don't expect to be appreciated. If you signed up to be a stepparent so they would erect a statue in your honor you’re doing it for the wrong reason. If you’re doing it to make a better life for child/children, you’re on the right track. Everyone says it’s a thankless job because it is!

You can't change the ex! You can only change the way you deal with her. Be supportive of your husband and remember he's probable just as frustrated with her.

You do have the right to set rules and expectations for the kids. Rules and expectations are a part of life; they teach kids how to grow up to be successful adults and how to function in society.
The only thing you can do and the only thing that is expected of you is to be a good stepmom. Love your step kids as much as possible and never feel guilty if that it’s not enough. You may never love then as your own, but the love that you give can still be enough.

How Pathetic Am I?

2009-06-07T11:37:00.000-07:00

My husband is not a very affectionate man. He grew up only seeing his parents kiss a handful of times and spent ten years in a loveless marriage; I know this, I get it, I understand. I, on the other hand, am an affection junkie. I need those light unnecessary touches and frequent kisses. Superdad knows this, gets it, and understands. He does what he can to give me my much needed affection.

So last night his son climbed into bed with us because he was upset and Superdad did the most natural thing in the world, rolled over and wrapped his arms around him. I got so jealous; I mean spitting nails seeing red jealous. All I could think was, “when was the last time he wrapped his arms around me in bed”. It’s not the first time I’ve been jealous towards the affection he so naturally bestows upon his kids.

I know it’s pathetic. I know that I’m acting like a spoiled child and afterwards I feel guilty for my thoughts. I realize how much he tries to fulfill my needs, but I just wish it was natural and as necessary to him as it is to me.

The Not So Wicked Stepmom

2009-05-21T13:26:00.000-07:00

I’ve heard it said many times that being a mother is the most thankless job in the world. I believed it, that is until I became a stepmother. I apparently have been confused about all the things I thought I was doing right. For instance I have been successfully doing laundry for myself and my son for over ten years. However; my new step children taught me that I’m doing it all wrong, I’m not doing it the way their mother did it. Likewise, I have been making wonderful and healthy meals for many, many years, yet apparently that to is wrong “cause that’s not the way mom does it”.

If you asked me what my life would be like at thirty I would not have expected to say that I was competing for the affection of three small kids from the image of a mythical being. I describe her as that because that is what she is. The ghost of a mother. She decided at the age of thirty that raising three kids wasn’t where she wanted to be. She’s the one on the pedestal and I’m the one in the firing squad. Now I’m the central mother figure. I get to fight over homework, laundry, and clean rooms while she gets to walk in once/twice a week, take them to Chuck E Cheese, feed them junk food and be the hero. Am I bitter? Hell no!

Did I get what I expected when I signed on to be a step mother? Not at all, I got so much more. But I should back up a bit. I was lucky enough to be stupid enough to have a child at the age of 19. One beautiful bouncing baby boy and me (his dad left the picture early on). The insanity of becoming a single parent at 19 is unbelievably. The fact that I survived it is a miracle and the therapy bill my son is going to rack up because of it will be astronomical. Having survived that I decided to introduce more insanity into my life by falling in love with a wonderful man and his three amazing children.

I know many women don’t describe their step children as amazing, but I truly believe mine are. It is amazing that my 8 year old step son can justify and argue his point on any topic. He is hell bent to convince you he is right, even if he’s not. He’ll grow up to be a defense attorney. Its amazing that my 10 year old step daughter can take every comment as a personal attack, even if the comment doesn’t pertain to her. Finally it is amazing that my 6 year old step daughter can go from beautiful little angel to crazy kicking, screaming, hitting devil child in 0.06 seconds.
They are my insanity and my laughter.

I love them all!